What Is It says "Allow Me To Ridicule Myself" and It Is What answers, "Okay"

For several days I have been thinking about it.

It's an ability that people are born with.
It almost like a lighter for smokers.
As long as they have it, they see Hitler as Santa Claus.


But the thing is, it's always managed to disappear.
Just like your lighter. You try to keep it safe in your pocket, but you will forget where you put it or who borrowed it.



And when it lost, at worst, you will mistakenly recognised Taylor Swift as Sadako from Japanese horror movie, Ring.
That won't be fun.

People learn to be a finder, so they can always get it back after it's lost.
They think it's better to see Santa Claus rather than bump into Sadako each time.


But there are people who aren't finders.
These people have lost it forever and even Sadako will lose interest to scare them.

What will happen to these people?

They rationalised everything.

When they smile, it's because they know what they are going to get with that smile.
When they put a sympathetic facial expression, it's because they know that that's what people expect from them.
They are unable to feel sad or jealous as they don't know what will they get from that.
When they heard news about volcano eruption and the number of its victims, they can't relate, let alone sympathize, as they think the world is better with less people live.
When they heard gossip, they need to match it first with the fact before they response to it.


And they stay like that with the assumption that what they're doing make sense.


Until their long-time best friend said, "My boyfriend proposed to me, so I may be moving out soon"


And the first thing they say to her is, "Will you have your own house after you're married? It's better than to rent one."


Emotionless, as they don't feel a thing. 

Just until that time that each of them starts to questioning...


Am I okay?

I Wish I Can Have One Of These Creatures

Do you know what makes an attractive guy?

 

First, he doesn't seem to realise that he's god damn gorgeous!

He doesn't notice that people notice him.

He's dark and cold and weird

and he can smile

I Shall Have Nothing

One’s heart is supposed to be free and unattached, in order to reach a tremendous height when soaring within understanding of humanity

Am I Socially Maladjusted?

Last Friday, I look to www.astrology.com. I knew this web from my editor, she loves ramalan so much, walaupun dia ga bakal ngaku kalo ditanya.

A contributor who writes for my magazine, Mba Susie, just like my editor, wanted to know about my Mayan astrology and the characteristic of people who born at 3^rd November 1982. So there we read the description of my traits according to Mayan prophecy. 

In the characteristic description, it is said that “at worst I can be socially maladjusted*”. Mba Sus, the contributor laughed at this description but I ignore it. Although honestly the description irritated me. What does that mean? When I found the answer through google, it struck me.

Just in two sentences --socially maladjusted--, I find the answer of one of the biggest questions I have in life, which explain why it’s difficult for me and for other people to understand me.

Orang paling sering bingung waktu tahu walaupun gw tahu apa yang mereka nilai baik and what’s expected from me, sometimes I can’t help myself to neglect or ignore, if I don’t want to.

And I can’t tell them that it’s beyond my control, can I?

Selama ini gw agak nganggap enteng. Gw pikir, emang sih gw punya habit jelek, tapi karena ngga mood aja kali. Ternyata...

I’ve never thought that I was born with such character, which can be a great threat for my future if I think further about it.

Lately, Simpati Freedom’s TV commercial with Sherina as the model tickles me. She sings, “geregetan jadinya geregetan bila hidup tanpa pilihan”…

I have given a thought of the commercial. Kalo bener karakter irresponsible yang gw punya udah disetel dari gw lahir, would I have other choice on how I live my life? I don’t want to live as a lousy person as my only choice.

Gw gak bangga loh jadi orang yang punya karakter dasar sebagai “orang yang ga bisa diandelin”. Ada orang yang tanya, ”Elo tu kenapa sih rebellious?”, ato bikin statement, ”Elo kan rebellious, Res.”

That’s annoying and irritated me. People don’t know that I always struggle to follow the rule, to deliver what people expect from me. I never consider myself as rebellious. It’s not me. Gw nurut & berusaha untuk keep begitu.

All my life I’m battling with my inner self. I’ve been fighting --which is almost like an endless effort-- to try to understand why, compared to other people, gw susah banget menerima yang udah ada, kayak aturan masuk kantor jam berapa, idealisme cewe harus berperilaku tertentu, ajaran agama, dan kenapa big deal banget kalo gw belom pernah nonton Schindler’s List dan kenapa gw harus tertarik nonton Schindler’s List, kenapa gw harus tertarik  sama berita di koran dan kenapa gw harus baca koran, kenapa gw harus peduli waktu harga BBM naik, dll, dan akhirnya depressed because the difference on how I perceive things and do things will make people reluctant to accept me. And at the end, I have to regularly adjust to different kind of people, understand what they expect and play from that. It’s tiring. 

If you want to know how weird I am, these are the things that I find different to other people way of thinking and more than often I’d take seriously which then lead to massive confusion and sometimes depression (and I am not proud of this):

• I don’t understand why people can perceive and implement total obedience easily towards their beliefs, social customs and idealism on life. For example in religion, isn’t God supposed to be something beyond our understanding? So why the hell should people determine what ideal about God? And expect other people to believe to that? I think that’s just sick and scary.

• I don’t understand why at certain time and certain point, I would find myself ignore the rules, don’t think of it seriously and authorities won’t scared me. I know the objectives of why there should be rules. And I know the consequences from violating them. Yet, I don’t want to understand nor feared the consequences.

• I don’t understand why I can easily neglect my responsibilities when I don’t feel that I like doing it.

• I don’t understand why violating a promise can trigger an outrage from someone so bad. If someone promised me to accompany me to buy a new laptop and she/he cancelled it becoz of she’s/he’s lagi males or have something else to do. It’s okay, we have another time next time or I can simply go find it on my own. No hard feeling. But if I find out that the cancellation is due to she/he is avoiding me, that’s a huge insult for me and can end up really really bad for the relationship. 

• I don’t understand why I can’t compromise at all with a person who take advantage of me, not sincere, and who violated my idealism of loyalty even it just happen once. It means end of the relationship. Totally no connection whatsoever. Ever.

• I don’t understand why in this world where it’s already over populated, a concept of marriage, which result is legalised procreation, is still implemented and still perceived as an ideal. Why can’t the ideal be: “humans need to stop to procreate”?

• I don’t understand why at some point, I’ll ruin my chance to have close long term friendships, close love relationship, or firm relationship with my family. And then won’t feel so bad about it as I always think there’s still so many fish in the sea.

• I don’t understand why I can think that at the end, I’ll always be saved and can always get away from everything bad, including from the consequences of what I’ve done.

• I don’t understand why I really really really HATE the fact that the world is overpopulated and I hate crowds and I constantly wish people to extinct.

• I don’t understand why people fight so bad just to continue living, though if they ask themselves, they will realise that they are just a bunch of useless parasite for other people and the universe. For example: My late relative. She died three weeks ago, due to gagal ginjal. She needed to cuci darah every week which cost a lot of money. And she had been through such medication for over half a year. Meanwhile, she has three children who are still at school and her husband is jobless just like her. Since her hubby (my cousin) lost his job about two years ago, only God knows how this family was surviving. I heard they depend on their close relatives a lot after the job incident. When she’s gone everyone went to her funeral. But not like the other, I didn’t feel bad of her leaving even a slightest bit. I keep thinking if I was her, I’ll just let myself die since the beginning I know I was sick, as I don’t contribute anything to my family surviving. The money for cuci darah can be used for my children school fee. That will be more acceptable. I don’t understand why these people, who have no use for anybody, can still being so selfish about going on living by other people expenses.
• Etc…

You see, all these thoughts can irritate people and make me appear as a mean and disturbed person. Sometimes I thought maybe I’m lacking of love and passion for other people. But other time I think that maybe I’m just trying to be practical and fair.

Reading my Mayan astrology, even though I don’t know how accurate it is, but I think I found the explanations I am looking for.

I can’t help myself of being different.

And perhaps I should just stop thinking whether it’s bad or good, or whether it’s wrong or right, as the astrology won’t totally define me. If it is true that I was born with unusual traits, I still can fix it.

Can I?

*) Maladjustment without manifest psychiatric disorder, as that occasioned by an inability to cope with social situations.

Hotel Majapahit - Part II

Hotel itu kan hospitality business. Majapahit runs this business beyond well. Elo bisa liat Mba-Mba dan Mas di meja resepsionis di bawah ini. They are the most helpful staff ever!


Gue sempet "hampir" ketinggalan pesawat gara-gara salah gw.

Lahir dengan bakat berimajinasi dan berasumsi, gw ngerasa "inget banget" kalo pesawat dari Surabaya ke Jkt take off jam 8 dari Bandara Juanda. Dan berdasarkan anggapan ini, gw dengan pedenya bilang, "Besok sore saya check out jam 6 ya Mba", tanpa ngecek tiket lagi, waktu resepsionis nanya untuk mastiin lagi kapan gw check out.

Besoknya, setelah sesorean makan di luar hotel, nonton bioskop di plaza tunjungan, gw baru nyampe hotel jam 5.45pm. Terus beres-beres sampe jam 6 dan turun ke lobby buat check out. Pas check out feeling gw ngga enak. Salah satu dari Mba-nya tanya, "Naik pesawat apa Bu?", gw jawab, "Oh saya naik Batavia". Trus gw iseng-iseng cek tiket yang gw simpen di amplop. Mendadak gw deg-degan, "Jam 8 itu pesawat berangkat ato pesawat sampe ya...??"

Pas tiket gw buka, eng ing eeeng...ternyata pesawat berangkat jam 7!!! Sementara jam udah nunjuk ke angka 06:10pm!! Gw langsung PANIK! Gw tanya ama Mba-nya, "Mba, dari sini ke Bandara berapa lama ya?? Kayaknya saya ketinggalan pesawat deh, gimana ya...???"

Mbanya kaget waktu gw bilang pesawatnya ternyata brangkatnya jam 7, bukan jam 8. Mereka langsung recommend gw naik Blue Bird lewat tol. Pas gw bilang boleh, bell boy yang lagi di deket gw langsung lari keluar cari taksi blue bird. Mba-nya langsung buru-buru selesein proses pembayaran gw. Drama banget deh pokoknya. Sementara gw udah bayangin "Ngga mungkin sampe bandara sebelom jam 7. Kalopun gw nyampe pas jam 7, belom tentu dibolehin naik. Minimal check in di bandara kan 45 menit sebelumnya. Terus limit kartu kredit gw masih berapa ya? Cukup ngga tu buat beli tiket lagi ke Jakarta. Kalo ngga boleh pake kartu kredit gimana? I don't have cash. Jangan-jangan gw musti tidur di bandara. How should I tell the office about this?? Ini salah gw...jadi kalo gw mesti beli tiket lagi, pasti ngga boleh rembeurs. Should I tell my family? But my cellphone's battery off. And I forgot to bring the charger..." --All these thoughts were running and spinning and filling my almost crazy head.

Sambil nunggu taksi, gw ngerasa staf-staf yang ada di lobi care sama gw...huhuuhu...mereka ngajak ngobrol sambil pasang muka simpati yang menurut gw genuine banget. Pas taksi dateng, gw langsung rush in masuk taksi.

The driver managed to arrive in Juanda airport at 06:50. Such an awsome Blue Bird driver, eh? I gave him quite a big tip.

Di airport gw jadi tipe penumpang yang bikin orang lain kesel, sikat sana sikut sini sambil bilang, "Maaf, maaf, saya ketinggalan pesawat..maaf permisi..permisiii..."

Pas gw terengah-engah ke meja check in, it turned out...the plane got delayed!!! Jadi gw masih boleh check in! Horeeee!!! Malahan pesawat yang ke Jakarta belom datang pas gw check in, baru dateng jam 07:30pm dan berangkat jam 08:45. Penumpang lain pada kesel. Gw?? Senyum-senyum bersyukur, hahahhaha. Gw hampir lupa soal punggung gw yang sakit gara-gara di taksi ngga bisa duduk senderan ke belakang gara-gara parno. Overall, it was a huge luck for me. Bahkan ada sebagian diri gw yang ngerasa ini semua berkat staff Majapahit...hahahaha...yeah I believe they bring me good luck, though I don't know how.

Anyway...back to Majapahit, hotel yang berasa banget kayak rumah gw sendiri ini (ngarepnya someday gitu) punya area-area yang gw suka banget!

Ini selasar yang orang lewatin kalo habis dari Restoran Indigo dan mau balik lagi ke lobby. Liat tangganya ngga? I am obsessed with stairs. I love stairs. Terutama yang dibangun pake kayu tua, masih asli dan rapiiii kayak gini. Kesannya mahal tapi ngga secara flashy (kinclong norak kayak tas Gucci man I hate it). Kalo yang di bawah ini adalah kanopi yang menghubungkan area lobby sama ballroom. Klasik eh? Gw suka aksen sulur-sulur besi tipis yang dari kuningan ituuu.

Waktu gw sempet sarapan di restoran Indigo, ada anak cewe kecil nyamperin, padahal gw baru aja duduk. Selalu kayak gini loh. Anak-anak kalo ngeliatin gw bisa ampe lamaaa...gw bingung tu anak orang tuanya di mana. Karena dia ngga pergi-pergi jadi gw foto aja. Halo dedeeeekk...cetret!!!


The fact that I'm in Surabaya thrills me, as I've never been here before. Tapi kenyataan kalo gw dateng ke sini untuk alasan kerjaan dan gw dateng sendirian, plus ga ada temen di Surabaya, huhuhu, made me sad actually. Jadi waktu itu sambil sarapan di Indigo, gw ngeliatin ke jalanan di luar. This is another fact that amazes me. Maksud gw, Hotel Majapahit kan bukan hotel sembarangan. Yang nginep di sini orang2 penting (termasuk Megawati!). Tapi sama sekali ngga dipagarin tinggi-tinggi in a secluded area dengan staf sekuriti super ketat kayak hotel-hotel di Jakarta. Malahan, pas di luar jendela restoran Indigo, kita bisa liat orang jalan-jalan di trotoar pas di luar jendela.


Nah, restoran Indigo-nya sendiri kayak gini bentuknya:

Kalo yang ini Sarkies restaurant:


Masuk Majapahit tu kayak masuk museum yang dirawat banget! Banyak barang-barang tua masih cakep-cakep, I Love it! Dan dia punya sejarah. Being here you can have sooo many things to tell, which makes you kind of proud. And I love it!

Dan ngomong-ngomong soal "things to tell", toko Deli yang ini nih yang sebenernya supplier pastry enak-enak yang dijual di...hehehehe...the most sought-after international coffee shop yang di Jakarta juga populeer banget. My favourite! (Ask me in private about this, pal, won't tell further about it here)


I want to go there again...to Majapahit Hotel in Surabaya...

Hotel Majapahit - Part I

This is one of the loveliest places I've ever visited. It's Hotel Majapahit. I've written an article about it. Yet, here I give the details that weren't put in the article at that time due to the limited space. Man, Surabaya is so lucky!

Hotel Majapahit lebih "wow" di bagian dalam dibanding di bagian luar kalau dilihat dari jalanan. Mereka punya 3 taman. Tapi yang paling besar yang ini:


Yang keliatannya megah banget itu Presidential Suite-nya Hotel Majapahit. It is said to be the biggest in South East Asia. Gw sempet masuk dan emang gede banget. Suitenya 2 lantai. Masuknya lewat pintu ganda. Begitu masuk langsung ketemu tangga mewah ke lantai 2. Di lantai 1 ada akses ke ruang tamu, dining room, dan ruang meeting. Di lantai dua ada ruang kerja yang bisa untuk terima tamu juga, ruang tidur, dan kamar mandi yang bathtub-nya oh my god banget. Untuk masuk ke bathtub musti naik beberapa anak tangga. Dan ada jendela yang bisa kebuka menghadap ke taman selama kita mandi (lumayan kalo elo termasuk exhibitionist). Terus banyak bagian di kamar mandi dan perlengkapan mandi yang dilapisi emas beneran. Kayak pegangan tangga menuju bathtub; "pegangan" di bathtub; bathtub plug, shower, keran, dll. Terus presidential suite ini punya butler sendiri yang bakal ready service elo 24 jam. Dia punya kamar sendiri di lantai 1, dan punya koridor-koridor rahasia yang bisa dia lewatin kalo mau ke tempat loe pas loe panggil pake bel. Jadi misalnya elo bunyiin bel "tring tring tring", terus tau-tau "whooosshh!!" si butler dah ada di deket loe entah nongol dari mana. heuhehehehe...

Waktu nginep di Majapahit, gw tidur di ruangan ini:



Kamar gue namanya Garden Terrace Room. Ada balkon kecil private buat gw yang menghadap taman. Tapi berhubung gw nginep sendirian jadi nongkrong di balkon ngeliatin taman just like a total idiot, so i spend my time wathing indovision di tempat tidur sambil ngemil burger majapahit. hahahahha...

Ada yang bilang Majapahit banyak hantunya. Tapi waktu gw ke sana, setannya kayaknya cuma gw doang. ahahhahaha...makhluk kecil keriting makan chicken nuggetnya majapahit sambil nonton tv terus ketawa-ketawa sambil minum jus sama ngemil kacang Mr P.

Walaupun akses masuk ke kamar gw agak gelap, tapi gw gak ngerasain apa-apa tuh.

Ini pintu kamar gw. Tiap pagi dapet koran gratis.

Gw sempet ngintip kamar lain yang ukurannya sedikit lebih gede dari kamar gw. Jenis kamar ini ngga punya balkon tersendiri, tapi dalemnya lebih "berwarna" dan dari perabotan kesannya ngga se-"dark" kamar gw.


Dari Majapahit, gw paling suka selasar-selasarnya. Ubin di selasar ini, dari 100 tahun yang lalu masih tetep pake yang sama. Terus selasarnya putiiihh, romantiiiisss...jalan nyusurin selasar berasa kayak bukan di era sekarang. Semua yang gue temuin, kayak kursi-kursi di kamar, lemari, tempat tidur, lampu gantung, semua barang lama. Oldies. Udah berumur. Tapi semua masih dalam kondisi baik.


Terus gw juga suka tangga utama yang dipakai tamu untuk ke lantai 2. Kayu-kayunya masih baguuus. Padahal itu kayu yang sama dengan waktu tangga itu dibuat pertama kali. I've been told that this hotel spend much...so much...untuk preserve semua yang ada di hotel biar tetep asli. Makanya yang kesini yang bener-bener don't think about money. I was lucky to be invited here. Mehong booo...!


Bersambung...

Too Late For Awakening

The hollow cries to be filled and that's when the rain falls. And who says water is the source of life as there's still nothing grows out of the creature's wet surface. She's died years ago.

Hey, are you wartawan bodrex??

Yesterday I went to Blue Bird's event, where it was announced that the end of this year 50,000 blue bird's employees (including drivers) will wear Blue Bird's Batik, specially designed by Danar Hadi. I supposed taxi business has been so profitable for Blue Bird that they can give their employees new Danar Hadi Batik --3 pieces every 9 months, which everybody knows to be rather expensive (though if I am one of their employees I will ask for Allure Batik instead, which is more youthful and stylish, hehehe)

Nevertheless, at this event I (finally) discovered the truth about "wartawan bodrex" -a mysterious figure that I've longed to see.

It all began when I was accused as wartawan bodrex once by the lousy Datascrip, at their event, just because there was no name of mine listed in the press list, and I didn't bring the invitation. Though it was clearly a human error on Datascrip side (at the end it's revealed), but I found myself severely insulted. I realised at that time the magazine where I work has not yet known as it has just been published for a year. For that, I paid the price by getting humiliated from not being allowed to come inside an event to which I was actually invited (I brought invitation everywhere since that horrible incident).

And back to the "bodrex" predicate, i honestly have no idea of what they are and how they look like. So yesterday, having to see one just right in front of my face, I was totally thrilled.

Regarding bodrex journalist character, I have to say that this one is the most confident fellow I've ever met. He walk into the lobby in a very domineering attitude, with his backpack, camera (which looks more expensive than my photographer's), press ID, hat, jacket outside his shirt, jeans...simply he looks like professional and very serious journalist (not like us lifestyle magz writers who cares a lot about our looks).

Anyway, he walked in and in a loud voice he asked the busy receptionist where the press conference took place. The helpful receptionist told him to wait (just like me and this other journalist from Sindo). But instead of joining us journalists, loudly he made comments such as, "Gila, udah kayak di Istana Negara aja nih. Mau press conference aja musti nunggu. Hebat juga ya Blue Bird..ckckck...!!" And we just looked at him, annoyed. Kinda rude, I guessed. But then I thought...well, perhaps it is the typical character of most koran journalist. You know, these people have to be aggresive in getting news. So perhaps, it is their style.

But when we already got inside the room waiting for the press conference to start, a girl sat next to me and we started to get to know each other, and I remember that I made comment about a tagline printed in the back of a media company's car (don't know if it was Sindo's or SCTV's), which says, "Apapun resikonya demi kebenaran berita". I was truly impressed by this tagline. So I said to this girl, "I really admire you guys. You seem to be so dedicated and aggressive at work. Just like that fellow over there..." and I pointed to the "bodrex" journalist (i haven't found out that he's bodrex yet). Unexpectedly the girl laughed. She said, "well not that person...". And then of course I asked, "why?" Then she spilled it out.

According to her, bodrex journalists don't get salary as they are nobody's employees. So they'd made up names of the fictitious media companies they work for which are usually weird and mostly online such as cipayungonline.com and even sometimes using someone else's company name (that's why we have to be really careful not to give our namecard to these journalists) as pass ticket to events to get free meals, goodie bags, and sometimes ask for money from the event organisers/news sources. The bodrex journalist I met at the event told everyone that he's working for a website (which -according to the girl-next-to-me- is actually dedicated for reporters who would like to upload their free articles and that the website doesn't employ any reporter obviously). It's KABA**NDO. (just guess the name yourself, I'm afraid of getting into a mess by putting it boldly).

So cut to the chase, I was WOW-ed. Surprised. Amused.

I asked the girl, "how do you know that he's fake?"

She said, "We (koran journalists) have met him at events like this, and we knew already who he really is."

I am still surprised, "But he's so confident and seems to know and close with everyone?"

She says, "That's how they are.."

If I were a cartoon character, my repeatedly-open-and-closed-mouth must already sounded "clang clang clang clang..." I mean...such an info!! And I was accused as one (God that makes me even angrier to Datascrip).

I was taking my time then to have a closer look on the bodrex journalist and thought a bit about him. And you know what, I felt kinda sorry for him. I mean, he must have been so eager to work as journalist until he could do such thing, although nobody hire him as their employee. See? It's perseverance. And dream requires perseverance. Perhaps all that he needs is a chance.

But then on second thought, I felt suspicious about whether or not he chose to be bodrex as an easy way to make money? Well...guess I'd never know.

The End Of Men

Lately, I am reading on The Kite Runner, and thinking of how can a lovely neighborhood as Afghanistan could change into such a messy place filled with inhuman-barbaric violence and stupid wars.

Yet, Afghanistan is not the only country who experienced war and suffering from it, unfortunately. The world in general knows war very well. It has gone through ages and experienced a lot of wars.

If we tracking back to the names of who-hold-the-responsibilities (read: trouble maker) for all the famous war ever happened on earth, well here is the list:

1. Wars for power in the Ancient Rome happened in generation initiated by Romulus, Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar, Pompey, Crassus and Octavian –http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancient_Rome

2. In 1009, Fatimid Caliph al-Hakim bi-Amr Allah ordered the destruction of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre and then Pope Alexander II gave his blessing in 1063 for Christians to battle the Moslems in the Crusade which then last for 200 years.

3. Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Russia

4. On June 28, 1914, Gavrilo Princip, a Bosnian-Serb student and member of Young Bosnia assassinated the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria in Sarajevo, Bosnia, which then lead to the World War I.

5. September 1, 1939, Hitler with his crazy Nazi invaded Poland and begun the World War II.

6. Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, who claimed himself as “The Mother of all Battles” invaded Kuwait on August 2, 1990, which then started the Gulf War.

7. George Bush with his “War on Teror” doctrine, initiated the war in Afghanistan and then Iraq.

Can you see the similarity from all of those names? Yes, those are men’s names.

M-E-N.

Well there are numbers of violence done by other men in lot of other parts of the world, including violence done by Taliban to their own Afghan people, violence in South Africa, war in Darfur, and including Majapahit kingdom who invaded Asia back then. But it will be too long to be mentioned here.

I really don’t understand of how human misery always started by men's initiative (except in natural disaster), which I never know whether it is out of his wounded ego or simply madness. And in every war, you can see that the violator (either the aggressor or the defender) are always men. From the top level of politician to the lowest rank of soldier, all are men. And in Africa or Afghanistan, these men make and teach children to kill!!

These men kill, shoot, beat, stab, burn, explode and do a lot more of horrible deeds to their human fellow, for nobody knows what for. And women and children always stuck in the middle of the chaos they have created, as the most suffering victim in this situation.

“EXTINGUIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSHHHH!!!”

Uuurrrggghh, how I want to scream it as loud as possible out of my lung, while I’m spraying infectious viruses around the globe which kill only men.

Don’t blame me to think that as far as men rule the earth, there are no real period of peace, as violence can always be found through “penjajahan ekonomi”, capitalism, corporate takeover, etc, although when there’s NO war. As it is of their destructive nature that they make damages as long as they live. They born with an easily wounded ego. They always need to feel superior, aggressive, always want more and ready to take over everything and possessive.

Hence, men are not important for the future of the human species.

(I am not recommending female ruler right now, it just that tragedy is unavoidable as long as there are men)

“EXTINGUIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSHHHH!!!”

On Saying Goodbye

There are things that hurt which I wish I will never have to encounter:

1. Bad thing happen to my mom/dad/sisters
2. Having a chauvinist as a husband
3. Into labour
4. Getting old and experience paralysis
5. Fell and experience fractures
6. Being kidnapped and tortured alive
7. Live with an ugly face
8. Stabbed by something sharp
9. Bitten by a snake
10. Addicted to drugs
11. My brain stops working
12. ...and saying goodbye

I have lived with these fears haunting me for, well...for 27 years of my life.

Today, at lunch, my editor said something about a death note from Alexander McQueen –that gay designer. He died only a week after his mom passed away. The police found McQueen’s dead body in his own house, hanging inside his wardrobe on 11th February 2010 afternoon. On 3rd February 2010 McQueen tweeted, “I’m letting my followers know my mother passed away yesterday if it she had not me nor would you RIP mumxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...”

And you know what, if it is true that his reason of ending his life is because of his lost, I don’t think that what he did by ending his own life is too much. I can completely relate.

People said that committing a suicide means you are giving up. But how if there’s no worthy reason of living?? Honestly...how if you are simply hate your life??? And the only thing matter is your mom as she’s the only one that you know will never leave you (as long as she lives)???

I love my family so much and I honestly don’t give as much care to the others. But I know that someday they will leave me. My mom and dad will go to heaven and my sisters will both be with their husbands.

And me???

As I know that I can’t married since I hate the idea of it.
I can’t have and be with my own child as I will never let myself into labour.
I don’t want to grow old, physically degrading and have an ugly face.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and help me for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to say goodbye to persons who are willing to love me without asking of anything in return (read: my parents)
And I can’t die from any mishaps like in my fears number 5,6,8,9,10,11, as long as my parents live, as I know they are going to need me to support them which I am going to do soooo willingly.

But what am I going to do when their gone???
What should I do???
I am deadly serious...what should I do???

Unavoidably Old

I am going to mark this day, as today I gained significant input about my physical outlook.

All my life, I always think that the size of my body and the structure of my face will give me a privilege of time...that I won't get old that fast.

But today i was asked by a very lovely woman, "do you have young children?"

This was a shock.

Speechless ---i was wondering, "Do I look like someone who already have children? Or does she think that i look like someone that should already have older children, so she asked me whether if I have younger ones?”

Whatever this means...for me, this is a sign to prepare for a botox.