On Saying Goodbye

There are things that hurt which I wish I will never have to encounter:

1. Bad thing happen to my mom/dad/sisters
2. Having a chauvinist as a husband
3. Into labour
4. Getting old and experience paralysis
5. Fell and experience fractures
6. Being kidnapped and tortured alive
7. Live with an ugly face
8. Stabbed by something sharp
9. Bitten by a snake
10. Addicted to drugs
11. My brain stops working
12. ...and saying goodbye

I have lived with these fears haunting me for, well...for 27 years of my life.

Today, at lunch, my editor said something about a death note from Alexander McQueen –that gay designer. He died only a week after his mom passed away. The police found McQueen’s dead body in his own house, hanging inside his wardrobe on 11th February 2010 afternoon. On 3rd February 2010 McQueen tweeted, “I’m letting my followers know my mother passed away yesterday if it she had not me nor would you RIP mumxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...”

And you know what, if it is true that his reason of ending his life is because of his lost, I don’t think that what he did by ending his own life is too much. I can completely relate.

People said that committing a suicide means you are giving up. But how if there’s no worthy reason of living?? Honestly...how if you are simply hate your life??? And the only thing matter is your mom as she’s the only one that you know will never leave you (as long as she lives)???

I love my family so much and I honestly don’t give as much care to the others. But I know that someday they will leave me. My mom and dad will go to heaven and my sisters will both be with their husbands.

And me???

As I know that I can’t married since I hate the idea of it.
I can’t have and be with my own child as I will never let myself into labour.
I don’t want to grow old, physically degrading and have an ugly face.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and help me for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to say goodbye to persons who are willing to love me without asking of anything in return (read: my parents)
And I can’t die from any mishaps like in my fears number 5,6,8,9,10,11, as long as my parents live, as I know they are going to need me to support them which I am going to do soooo willingly.

But what am I going to do when their gone???
What should I do???
I am deadly serious...what should I do???