On Saying Goodbye

There are things that hurt which I wish I will never have to encounter:

1. Bad thing happen to my mom/dad/sisters
2. Having a chauvinist as a husband
3. Into labour
4. Getting old and experience paralysis
5. Fell and experience fractures
6. Being kidnapped and tortured alive
7. Live with an ugly face
8. Stabbed by something sharp
9. Bitten by a snake
10. Addicted to drugs
11. My brain stops working
12. ...and saying goodbye

I have lived with these fears haunting me for, well...for 27 years of my life.

Today, at lunch, my editor said something about a death note from Alexander McQueen –that gay designer. He died only a week after his mom passed away. The police found McQueen’s dead body in his own house, hanging inside his wardrobe on 11th February 2010 afternoon. On 3rd February 2010 McQueen tweeted, “I’m letting my followers know my mother passed away yesterday if it she had not me nor would you RIP mumxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...”

And you know what, if it is true that his reason of ending his life is because of his lost, I don’t think that what he did by ending his own life is too much. I can completely relate.

People said that committing a suicide means you are giving up. But how if there’s no worthy reason of living?? Honestly...how if you are simply hate your life??? And the only thing matter is your mom as she’s the only one that you know will never leave you (as long as she lives)???

I love my family so much and I honestly don’t give as much care to the others. But I know that someday they will leave me. My mom and dad will go to heaven and my sisters will both be with their husbands.

And me???

As I know that I can’t married since I hate the idea of it.
I can’t have and be with my own child as I will never let myself into labour.
I don’t want to grow old, physically degrading and have an ugly face.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and help me for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to say goodbye to persons who are willing to love me without asking of anything in return (read: my parents)
And I can’t die from any mishaps like in my fears number 5,6,8,9,10,11, as long as my parents live, as I know they are going to need me to support them which I am going to do soooo willingly.

But what am I going to do when their gone???
What should I do???
I am deadly serious...what should I do???

Unavoidably Old

I am going to mark this day, as today I gained significant input about my physical outlook.

All my life, I always think that the size of my body and the structure of my face will give me a privilege of time...that I won't get old that fast.

But today i was asked by a very lovely woman, "do you have young children?"

This was a shock.

Speechless ---i was wondering, "Do I look like someone who already have children? Or does she think that i look like someone that should already have older children, so she asked me whether if I have younger ones?”

Whatever this means...for me, this is a sign to prepare for a botox.

TERNYATA GUE PESCETARIAN

Ternyata habit baru yang lagi gw jalani belom sepenuhnya vegetarian. Based on Wikipedia, I am a Pescetarian...

also called pesco-vegetarianism

karena gw masih makan seafood dan produk-produk yang dihasilkan oleh hewan seperti telur, susu, keju, madu.

Jadi veg...eh salah...jadi pescetarian aja udah susah gini, ternyata jadi vegetarian lebih susah lagi.

Makan sayur, kacang-kacangan, umbi dan makan buah terus tiap hari. Terakhir kali, gw makan buah seharian dan malah diare. Terus gw kan ngga boleh nelen sari pati ayam ato sapi ato apalah, jadi makanan gw gak boleh ada masako-nya. Dan setiap ngeliat pop mie, gw selalu ngingetin diri sendiri kalo ITU DILARANG, NGGA BOLEH, hehehe...

Untuk bikin gw tetep di jalur pescetarian, sejak liburan lebaran kemarin gw belajar masak di rumah. Bikin nasi goreng kuning, bikin bolu, bikin bubur sumsum, bikin indomie ngga pake bumbu indomie yang hasilnya caur gila, bikin bola-bola coklat. Sementara kalo bikin telur dadar dan ceplok sih...hah...gampang!!

Nyokab gw bilang, kalo gue bisa masak sendiri, makanan gw justru lebih sehat. Dan karena pescetarian ngga se-strict vegetarian / vegan, nyokab bokap gw masih mendukung upaya disiplin ini.

Kalo gw vegetarian, mereka justru kawatir nasib gw bakal kayak om gw yang pernah niat jadi vegan dan masuk rumah sakit, hahahhaa... Kalo gw bilang sih, itu gara-gara dia kurang strategi aja. Kan ada banyak menu vegetarian, tergantung kita kreatif ato ngga. Cuman berhubung gw belom terlalu jago masak dan bumbu-bumbu yang tersedia di pasaran masih banyak yang dibuat dari saripati ayam, sapi, udang atau ikan, jadi gw pescetarian dulu aja.

Someday kalo gw udah punya uang banyak, gw bakal fokus jadi vegetarian dan sanggup biayain diri sendiri untuk sering makan di Te-He (restoran vegetarian mahal gila) ato bikin variasi makanan vegetarian dengan bumbu-bumbu asli dari tumbuhan (tanpa campuran makhluk hidup di dalamnya) yang sekarang masih susah didapet di supermarket.

Now while I'm a pescetarian, I still definitely have to learn how to be a vegetarian without getting ill, starve, menderita malnutrisi, menderita bosan, dll.


***

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Pescetarianism, also called pesco-vegetarianism, is the practice of a diet that includes seafood and excludes mammals and birds. In addition to fish or shellfish, a pescetarian diet typically includes some or all of vegetables, fruit, nuts, grains, beans, eggs, and dairy. The Merriam-Webster dictionary dates the origin of the term "pescetarian" to 1993 and defines it to mean: "one whose diet includes fish but no meat."^[1]

I AM MY SOUND

U can more or less understand people character from their choice of music. I’ve found these typical…

Classic

This is the sound from those who never take things easy. They think, feel, and see everything with deeper, wider and further sense beyond ordinary. Every of their creation leaves us wondering wow. They are the people we might call genius, gifted, talented…

Jazz

This is the sound from those who appreciate rules, who lives passionately, who are kind, snob in taste, respect discipline and totally embrace their melodious life.

Pop

This is the sound from those who live as lightly as they could…those who we should envy most, those happy-go-lucky people with their have-fun-go-mad spirit mode on. They don’t care if the world calls them common, average, shallow, and maybe…stupid…but hell, just hear their sound, this people know how to get fun.

R&B

This is the sound from those who realize they got HUGE talent in music, who think they have to stand out. These people will aggressively climb for popularity and yeah…don’t get on their cocky way, or their sharp words will kick your sorry little ass out of the way.

Rock

This is the sound from those who feel themselves unheard and misunderstood, those who have so many rage and disappointment inside. Once they let it out, they let it out loud for the world to hear, to see, that they are surviving.

Folk

This is the sound from those who take a really long time to understand and to accept people and circumstances around them. They don’t care if people understand them or not. These people have already fulfilled with themselves, occupied with their own amusing minds, character and personality.

Dangdut

And this is the sound from those who need more education…a lot more of education. Seriously…

Becoming Vegetarian

It has been two weeks and I'm still surviving. Amazingly, this second time around being a vegan feel much more easier than my first time. Last time I was a vegan, I could only hold the discipline for 2 months. :D Now I expect to do this longer and maybe hopefully for the rest of my life.

There's no significant reason why I choose this kind of discipline. I just feel like it. Although deep down, I really wish I could do more like stop smoking, but I guess at least I have to start a discipline from an easier step: don't eat meat. I hope someday, my mind will finally straighten enough and it will call the initiative to stop smoking. So when that time come, I can write this sentence: "I don't know why I choose to stop smoking. I just feel like it." :D

When I write this, I actually am thinking of my cavendish banana in the refrigerator downstairs. I really want to eat it but my stomach is full enough by tempe bacem, hahahhaa...Tantri and Lala hold the effort to make those for "Buka Puasa Bareng" this evening. They're so kind, and I guess they have ready enough to go to the next step becoming a wife and a mom. While I...well I still need to be taken care of somebody. :D

I have great happiness this evening. Maybe this is the reason why I could come up with normal diary-style-writing for this blog right now, not blue poetry like I used to make in my ordinary days. :D

10 minutes meditation

A relationship doesn't need much thought
It doesn't require emotion
But it lives when there are hearts in it
Now I won't ask if you have the gut to have one
cause you certainly has...
...but do you have the heart, Resti?

I want to make a new mainstream

Sometime I heard people ask, “is it mainstream?”, when they’ve told about new song coming up, a new book coming up or new film coming up, as if it is a sin to hear, read or watch one from such kind.

Sometime I see people brag about them being indies. Proudly acknowledge that they shown only their pieces just to some people who “understand” / “accept” it.

They seem to reject the effort to make their work known by mass audience.

How pity.

Have they given up, since they’ve already tried?
Or do they underestimate commoners, by thinking these people won’t understand their work?

I do believe, become a unique is good. But become uniquely-known is better. Don’t you think?

When we are confidence with our talent, why should we keep it to ourselves or to our group? While most of our works are excellent, why don’t we do something about it? Why should we reject popularity?

I don’t understand.

Me myself, I want to make a new mainstream.

And why not, when I think I have the talent and the gut. And I don’t think this dream as a form of my pride.

True pride I think, hides inside those who keeps their talent to themselves. How it would be such a waste while a lot of people might get inspired or have the chance to grow by knowing such talent is exist.

I pitty this people who despise mainstream, while they are having the chance to make a new mainstream.

Why don’t they?

And while they buried their talent to themselves, I’ll share mine to the world.