Last Friday, I look to www.astrology.com. I knew this web from my editor, she loves ramalan so much, walaupun dia ga bakal ngaku kalo ditanya.
A contributor who writes for my magazine, Mba Susie, just like my editor, wanted to know about my Mayan astrology and the characteristic of people who born at 3rd November 1982 . So there we read the description of my traits according to Mayan prophecy.
In the characteristic description, it is said that “at worst I can be socially maladjusted*”. Mba Sus, the contributor laughed at this description but I ignore it. Although honestly the description irritated me. What does that mean? When I found the answer through google, it struck me.
Just in two sentences --socially maladjusted--, I find the answer of one of the biggest questions I have in life, which explain why it’s difficult for me and for other people to understand me.
Orang paling sering bingung waktu tahu walaupun gw tahu apa yang mereka nilai baik and what’s expected from me, sometimes I can’t help myself to neglect or ignore, if I don’t want to.
And I can’t tell them that it’s beyond my control, can I?
Selama ini gw agak nganggap enteng. Gw pikir, emang sih gw punya habit jelek, tapi karena ngga mood aja kali. Ternyata...
I’ve never thought that I was born with such character, which can be a great threat for my future if I think further about it.
Lately, Simpati Freedom’s TV commercial with Sherina as the model tickles me. She sings, “geregetan jadinya geregetan bila hidup tanpa pilihan”…
I have given a thought of the commercial. Kalo bener karakter irresponsible yang gw punya udah disetel dari gw lahir, would I have other choice on how I live my life? I don’t want to live as a lousy person as my only choice.
Gw gak bangga loh jadi orang yang punya karakter dasar sebagai “orang yang ga bisa diandelin”. Ada kan
That’s annoying and irritated me. People don’t know that I always struggle to follow the rule, to deliver what people expect from me. I never consider myself as rebellious. It’s not me. Gw nurut & berusaha untuk keep begitu.
All my life I’m battling with my inner self. I’ve been fighting --which is almost like an endless effort-- to try to understand why, compared to other people, gw susah banget menerima yang udah ada, kayak aturan masuk kantor jam berapa, idealisme cewe harus berperilaku tertentu, ajaran agama, dan kenapa big deal banget kalo gw belom pernah nonton Schindler’s List dan kenapa gw harus tertarik nonton Schindler’s List, kenapa gw harus tertarik sama berita di koran dan kenapa gw harus baca koran, kenapa gw harus peduli waktu harga BBM naik, dll, dan akhirnya depressed because the difference on how I perceive things and do things will make people reluctant to accept me. And at the end, I have to regularly adjust to different kind of people, understand what they expect and play from that. It’s tiring.
If you want to know how weird I am, these are the things that I find different to other people way of thinking and more than often I’d take seriously which then lead to massive confusion and sometimes depression (and I am not proud of this):
- I don’t understand why people can perceive and implement total obedience easily towards their beliefs, social customs and idealism on life. For example in religion, isn’t God supposed to be something beyond our understanding? So why the hell should people determine what ideal about God? And expect other people to believe to that? I think that’s just sick and scary.
- I don’t understand why at certain time and certain point, I would find myself ignore the rules, don’t think of it seriously and authorities won’t scared me. I know the objectives of why there should be rules. And I know the consequences from violating them. Yet, I don’t want to understand nor feared the consequences.
- I don’t understand why I can easily neglect my responsibilities when I don’t feel that I like doing it.
- I don’t understand why violating a promise can trigger an outrage from someone so bad. If someone promised me to accompany me to buy a new laptop and she/he cancelled it becoz of she’s/he’s lagi males or have something else to do. It’s okay, we have another time next time or I can simply go find it on my own. No hard feeling. But if I find out that the cancellation is due to she/he is avoiding me, that’s a huge insult for me and can end up really really bad for the relationship.
- I don’t understand why I can’t compromise at all with a person who take advantage of me, not sincere, and who violated my idealism of loyalty even it just happen once. It means end of the relationship. Totally no connection whatsoever. Ever.
- I don’t understand why in this world where it’s already over populated, a concept of marriage, which result is legalised procreation, is still implemented and still perceived as an ideal. Why can’t the ideal be: “humans need to stop to procreate”?
- I don’t understand why at some point, I’ll ruin my chance to have close long term friendships, close love relationship, or firm relationship with my family. And then won’t feel so bad about it as I always think there’s still so many fish in the sea.
- I don’t understand why I can think that at the end, I’ll always be saved and can always get away from everything bad, including from the consequences of what I’ve done.
- I don’t understand why I really really really HATE the fact that the world is overpopulated and I hate crowds and I constantly wish people to extinct.
- I don’t understand why people fight so bad just to continue living, though if they ask themselves, they will realise that they are just a bunch of useless parasite for other people and the universe. For example: My late relative. She died three weeks ago, due to gagal ginjal. She needed to cuci darah every week which cost a lot of money. And she had been through such medication for over half a year. Meanwhile, she has three children who are still at school and her husband is jobless just like her. Since her hubby (my cousin) lost his job about two years ago, only God knows how this family was surviving. I heard they depend on their close relatives a lot after the job incident. When she’s gone everyone went to her funeral. But not like the other, I didn’t feel bad of her leaving even a slightest bit. I keep thinking if I was her, I’ll just let myself die since the beginning I know I was sick, as I don’t contribute anything to my family surviving. The money for cuci darah can be used for my children school fee. That will be more acceptable. I don’t understand why these people, who have no use for anybody, can still being so selfish about going on living by other people expenses.
- Etc…
You see, all these thoughts can irritate people and make me appear as a mean and disturbed person. Sometimes I thought maybe I’m lacking of love and passion for other people. But other time I think that maybe I’m just trying to be practical and fair.
Reading my Mayan astrology, even though I don’t know how accurate it is, but I think I found the explanations I am looking for.
I can’t help myself of being different.
And perhaps I should just stop thinking whether it’s bad or good, or whether it’s wrong or right, as the astrology won’t totally define me. If it is true that I was born with unusual traits, I still can fix it.
*) Maladjustment without manifest psychiatric disorder, as that occasioned by an inability to cope with social situations.
